what to do...she cheated on me - Talk About Marriage

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Today, 05:11 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Huntington Beach, CA Posts: 1	We are 5 months into the marriage. She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding and insists that she doesn?t care about him and I believe her when she says that. She was a virgin before that, and so she lost her virginity to him. I am not a virgin and that doesnt really matter to me, but I thought it mattered to her. That isnt the ultimate issue and thats not what bothered me. I was hurt at the time because I felt betrayed. After careful evaluation of our engagement and relationship at that time, we agreed that she made a mistake and she was seemingly apologetic. Enough for me to believe that it was just that ? a mistake. I don?t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later. And now we are 5 months into the marriage. I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. For two weeks I was dying inside because I got the sense that she didn?t want me anymore, that maybe she never did. She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a ?problem,? and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her. Ultimately, however, she does want to work on the relationship because she loves me. I spoke with her some more last weekend, and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again, couple months back. Now I am here. She contests that she doesn?t have feelings for him, that he is very persuasive, but that she did want to sleep with him. It happened. Couple months have gone by since that incident, and I think she intended to leave me and just never tell me. But she stayed because she believes that we can work through this. I don?t know how convinced I am, and recently I have felt like I have had to fight more than she has. She seems crushed by the whole situation and I can empathize, but I?m now more concerned about myself, and I don?t want to get hurt anymore. She?s started therapy and seems like she does want to get help and work on our relationship, but given that even after the second time I find her flirting with some other guy. She tells me that the 2nd guy is just a friend and the relationship got flirty, and that was all. I?m starting to feel like she has a real problem and I want to help her. But maybe I cant, or maybe I shouldn?t. I love her and I love who she is, because deep down she is a genuinely good person and I don?t want to lose that in my life. Do I let her go and see if she comes back? Or do I stay and help her and work on this marriage. It?s a young marriage and I don?t want to give up because at the core of the relationship we are great together. After the wedding things were good. There was a cloud still hanging over because of what happened prior to the wedding, but I guess I was just flying high from the wedding and I felt good about us. Now given everything that has happened I feel like I may have been betrayed too much. I havent talked to too many people about this because I am embarassed and I guess I'm scared that the people in my life will tell me to leave her. I just dont want to do that.
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Today, 05:29 PM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: WA Posts: 161	Start 180: see search for what that is if you don't know. Your wife isn't going to "get better." She does have a problem. She doesn't respect you and isn't sorry about it. She's sorry she got caught, but it doesn't really seem she's had any consequences for this activity. 1. I'd file for divorce and let her figure out in the time that takes to finalize whether she really wants it. Honestly why even ask, you are so fresh into this that the repercussions are pretty minor for you two. 2. Her statement of "flirty isn't a big deal" signifies her mentality. It's all good, however consider this: If you were to do the same thing, how would she react and would you have the same calloused statement about it? Probably not, you have morals. 3. She's slept with Guy 1 twice now (that you know of) and seemingly loves him more than you as she keeps going back. Even after she did wrong the first time, she's willing to risk it to do it again. Now there is at least a Guy 2, maybe more and she's apparently setting up the possiblity of sex there too. My advice is it's way too early to worry. Just file and you will, I promise, WILL find another woman who has sound character, morals and judgement. This isn an easy one in my eyes. As a recent poster said to me "she would have to have such outstanding character and qualities as to be able to overlook these issues."
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Today, 05:31 PM	? #10 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: Myrtle Beach Posts: 940	From single virgin to marriage to serial cheater in roughly 5 months?? Meh, not buying it. You've been snowed from the beginning of your relationship. She was about as likely a virgin then as I am now. Of course, we've seen stranger things so...... Move on. You can do much better than this. __________________ Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, a Jack and Coke in one hand, a Corona in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Hell yeah, what a freakin' ride"!
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Today, 05:34 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 822	Quote: We are 5 months into the marriage. She cheated with a co-worker before the wedding and insists that she doesn?t care about him and I believe her when she says that. She was a virgin before that, and so she lost her virginity to him. I am not a virgin and that doesnt really matter to me, but I thought it mattered to her. That isnt the ultimate issue and thats not what bothered me. I was hurt at the time because I felt betrayed. After careful evaluation of our engagement and relationship at that time, we agreed that she made a mistake and she was seemingly apologetic. Enough for me to believe that it was just that ? a mistake. I don?t want to go into too many details about her explanation of why she did it, or how she ended up doing it, but in the end, I felt better about it and we were married a month later. And now we are 5 months into the marriage. I caught her recently talking with another guy via facebook, very flirtatious and I confronted her. For two weeks I was dying inside because I got the sense that she didn?t want me anymore, that maybe she never did. She was less apologetic, but still felt bad and tried to convince me that she has a ?problem,? and that she needs time to figure out what is wrong with her. Ultimately, however, she does want to work on the relationship because she loves me. I spoke with her some more last weekend, and she admitted to me that she slept with the first guy again, couple months back. Now I am here. She contests that she doesn?t have feelings for him, that he is very persuasive, but that she did want to sleep with him. It happened. Couple months have gone by since that incident, and I think she intended to leave me and just never tell me. But she stayed because she believes that we can work through this. I don?t know how convinced I am, and recently I have felt like I have had to fight more than she has. She seems crushed by the whole situation and I can empathize, but I?m now more concerned about myself, and I don?t want to get hurt anymore. She?s started therapy and seems like she does want to get help and work on our relationship, but given that even after the second time I find her flirting with some other guy. She tells me that the 2nd guy is just a friend and the relationship got flirty, and that was all. I?m starting to feel like she has a real problem and I want to help her. But maybe I cant, or maybe I shouldn?t. I love her and I love who she is, because deep down she is a genuinely good person and I don?t want to lose that in my life. Do I let her go and see if she comes back? Or do I stay and help her and work on this marriage. It?s a young marriage and I don?t want to give up because at the core of the relationship we are great together. After the wedding things were good. There was a cloud still hanging over because of what happened prior to the wedding, but I guess I was just flying high from the wedding and I felt good about us. Now given everything that has happened I feel like I may have been betrayed too much. I havent talked to too many people about this because I am embarassed and I guess I'm scared that the people in my life will tell me to leave her. I just dont want to do that. dude she gave her Virginity to some other dude before you were married. I'd be willing to bet that she really lost her virginity a long time ago. Also if she did lose her virginity to this other man. Then I'd be willing to bet that she has some serious attachment to him. I am sorry but I think that your WW likely has not been honest about her past, who she is, and what goes on in her head. I bet you she just pretended to be the woman you wanted because you were a nice guy. Meanwhile her true nature is that she is a love addict. She craves attention from men and is using you because you believe her lies. I am willing to bet if you go to the thread in my signature and start digging for information you will find out that your wife has a double life. I am willing to bet she has compartmentalized her life to a point where she can be two completely different people based on the situation.
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